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called by many: kat, kathleen,or semi sweet
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[21 Aug 2003|06:28pm] |
i don't know.
how i can cope
i'm sorry
but i don't know if i can do this anymore
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[20 Aug 2003|11:45pm] |
everyone keeps tell me i need to just get out of this town and go to college + everything will be better.
but i don't think so
how can someone get others to like her, when she is just fucked up not matter the situation.
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| learning and its uhh fundementals |
[20 Aug 2003|01:15pm] |
1st Hour-French IV H, Lassau
"I want you guys to have a good time"
me: does that mean we can watch TV?
*intermission with Mrs.Yarnell*
my schedule was all screwy. she seems nice, but such perky people annoy me. she says 'okay' with a weird southern accent.
2nd Hour- English IV H, Dial
I love Mrs. Dial. She is my favorite teacher. We are currently watching the movie 'Voice of One'. She is going to give us a short quiz about it later. I was 10 minutes late so I don't know the whole deal.
3rd Hour- Study Hall
4th Hour- Current Events, Vohland
Brad, Me, Mary, and others are in it. I told the class about my Bill O' Reilly + Dubya marriage dream.
5th Hour- Sociology, Hendrix
I like Mr. Hendrix. He is a pretty cool easy going guy. His sarcasm cracks me up. No book, just loads of note taking.
6th Hour- Theology, Lynch
This is going to be my sleep class. I can get a nice nap in before Conditioning. Mrs. Lynch may be alright though. She is married to an irish guy.
7th Hour- Conditioning, Davis
I am not happy about this. PE is not offered 7th hour, so this is all I could fit in. I'm not looking forward to talking Coach Davis into letting me leave early for Philosophy.
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| school. |
[19 Aug 2003|11:36pm] |
I start school at St. Teresa tommorow. I don't know what I can say that is remotely positive. Everything would be okay, but I have no idea where I want to go to college. Columbia or Knox? Knox or Webster? Webster or Columbia? I'm all mixed up. I would be going to columbia knowing no one. That is a big deal bc, at Columbia I would need to rent an apartment. I'm not good at meeting people. Plus, I'm really annoying in real life, so no one could truly like me. Moreover, I would make a total fool of myself over and over. I am not a cool girl. I'm many things, but cool or hip is not one of them.
I had Philosophy at Richland today. It was good. It would've been great. BUT, my mom (who is a teacher there as well) decided it was a good idea to tap on the window and wave.
The germ + kat relationship is not going to happen. He's not into me at all. I don't particularly blame him.
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| friends.. TAKE THIS. |
[18 Aug 2003|08:54pm] |
okay, here is a lovely survey for all of you to take. hint: TAKE IT.
GENERAL
1. Am I cute?
2. Am I crazy?
3. Am I lovable?
4. Am I funny?
5. Am I annoying?
6. Am I psycho?
7. Am I daring?
8. Am I a good person?
IF YOU COULD
1. Give me a new name, it would be?
2. Do one thing with me, it would be?
3. Drop me a piece of advice, it would be?
4. Kidnap me for a day, where would we go?
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS************************
1. What do you love about me?
2. What do you hate about me (seriously)?
3. What is my best quality?
4. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
5. What is your honest opinion about me?
6. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
OTHER SHIT
1. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
2. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?
3. Do you think I'm a virgin?
4. If you just met me how old would you guess I am?
5. Am I huggable?
6. If you could give me anything... what would it be?
7. If you could promise me anything.. what would it be?
please answer. i'll answer for you!
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[18 Aug 2003|07:31pm] |
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Spent the afternoon with Jeremy (I will refer to him as Germ from now on). Germ is 22, goes to millikin, and is a chem major. He is super hot and extra super smart. He looks a bit like justin timberlake, except dark hair. I like him a lot. I don't think we'll hang out for awhile, but this afternoon was fun. I don't understand why he hung out with me, but he did. Other stuff happened, but I'm not going to explain.
Went to senior orientation. It was funny how Mr. McDaniel tried to take charge. He looked like a little child struggling to appear grown up. As for the dean, all of us could smell his fear, so I can see most of his totally messing with his head. The fresh meat, err, freshmen won't notice though, so they'll be under his control. This year is going to be boring bc I usually like people who are older than me. Brad is pissed at me (as usual) , Pat seems somewhat forgiving, and I think Erin still believes I am suicidal. Nathan is just being Nathan. He has lunch with me.
Schedule of the damned...
Ist Hour- French IV H/ Lausau
2nd Hour- English IV H/ Dial
3rd Hour- Study Hall
4th Hour- Current Events /Vohland --next sem., American Government
5th Hour- Sociology/ Hendrix -- next sem. Psychology
6th Hour- Theology/ i-have-no-idea-who-the-fuck-she-is
7th Hour- PE/ Ipsen
**after this I leave early for Richland to take Philosophy on Tues + Thurs. Mon, Wed, Fri, I just leave.
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| love |
[18 Aug 2003|11:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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Sleater Kinney's Dig Me Out album |
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i hate it when someone uses the word love liberally. a good example is when someone tells everyone they slightly know they love them. its just annoying because the more love is given out without it meaning anything, you lessen the meaning of love. i remember reading something interesting in my 8th grade health book. Love was defined in the book glossary, all neat and perfect. Love's definition: a strong, emotional attachment to someone. Oh whatever. I would like to think its more than that. I really do. I've never been in love. I've been in lust and I've been in infautuation, but never in love. I love some select people. Like my best friend Rebecca, my little brother, my cat. However, I'm not IN love with my brother or best friend.
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| ahh... the joys of sex.. |
[18 Aug 2003|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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My Generation- The Who |
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I'm at a party. At a friend's house. I'm chatting with someone, but I'm quite bored. Most parties in Decatur bore me bc I like to be drunk with smart people, not stupid ones. I went because I was feeling rather lonely and pathetic. I also wanted cock. Fairly simple. Well..
guy: who are you?
me: who ARE you?
guy: somebody.
me: oh, maybe we could be somebody together?
As you can see, I played my whole bitch-you-want routine. Apparently, it worked. Although I'm not sure.
he was hot.
very hot.
i got his number.
I am going to see him tommorow afternoon. I am psyched.
wish me luck.
that means comment *cough*
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[17 Aug 2003|04:13pm] |
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all this isolation is getting to me. i go back to school tommorow. i am making myself physically sick i'm so upset about it. i haven't been this upset in a long time. with work added to it, im about to have a mental meltdown. in fact, i think i am having a drawn out panic attack.
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| why i am who i am. |
[17 Aug 2003|03:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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32 Flavors- Ani Difranco |
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I don't think my mom, aunt laura, father or maternal grandmother realize how much their words sting. Their intention was to make me tough and less arrogant. But, I was never arrogant and weak before. I don't see the point. All their verbal abuse did was make me very, very insecure. My mom also trained me to be afraid of life so I would want her coddling.
my dad tried to reverse psychology on me. the dissapointment for him, however, was i didn't fall for it. He told me once, the only job I could get was as a hairdresser. That I would never amount to anything. i could see right through him. he'd tell me, "you are stupid", "you are a pig" and when he was sick-baked on valium he'd accuse me of so much. I was watching Loveline in my room and he could hear it. He then accused me being a prostitute. He was having halluncinations. don't get me wrong, my dad was not a bad person. He never ever hit me. He never drank. He never meant what he told me. He said it in hopes to change my behavior.
My mom has always been brutually blunt. She has told me I looked awful many a time. She told me I was being stupid as well. My almost crossed the line when it came to physical abuse. She would hit me so hard sometimes. I don't judge people who spank their kids. But, I personally couldn't do it. All spanking did was scare me, it did not change my attitude. She tells me these little things about how she loved me, but I don't think she means it. She never loved my father.
My Aunt Laura loves me very much. She is my godmother, but I call her Aunt Laura. To her, I am like a daughter. She would do anything for me. However, she is brutally stubborn and snaps at me in an instant. Her, My father and I are much alike. She can really hurt my feelings. She is very critical and harsh. She can be loving, but she seems to think being hard on me is helping.
My grandmother is the most painful in some ways. She treats me like I'm this spoiled, lazy girl who is a horrible daughter. All that comes out of her mouth is criticism. I refuse to see her. Period.
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[17 Aug 2003|04:06am] |
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this is news for all my bisexual friends. i know for a fact that you will be excited. Angelina Jolie + Clive Owen are soon to be in a movie. *sigh*. Clive is mine, folks. But go ahead, dream of Angelina.
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[15 Aug 2003|11:52pm] |
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im not really that funny or interesting. esp. since no one comments in the lj. why o why.
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| what makes you happy? |
[15 Aug 2003|05:17pm] |
what makes me happy
-listening to beck's nitcotine + gravy or elvis costello's pump it up whilst driving 80 mph
-having a long, entertaining, and intelligent conversation with someone
-seeing the cutest little kid who i want to adopt
-crying really hard and then feeling so much better
-beating someone in a verbal argument who has been pissing me off
-waking up from a deep sleep satisfied
-spending 6 hours at the Art Institute in Chicago. and then eating quiche for lunch.
what makes you happy?
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[15 Aug 2003|03:59pm] |
mom
is starting to get it.
mom: you realize that you didn't get me a card or even tell me happy birthday
me: i told you happy birthday.
mom: well, you didn't get me anything.
me: well...
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| computering, much? |
[15 Aug 2003|12:32pm] |
1. How much time do you spend online each day?
maybe two hours, 3 hours if you count dling music. school year, 1 hour a day.
2. What is your browser homepage set to?
cnn.com
3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?
just aim. i think its silly to take up space with a lot of them.
4. Where was your first webpage located?
techinally angelfire. but my dad me take it off, and 6 months later i started my first real site with gurlpages. Then I moved on to envy.nu.
5. How long have you had your current website?
maybe 2 years?
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| friends. |
[15 Aug 2003|01:18am] |
getting in the spirit and mimicking, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sevan112 i set this for you to figure out. most of these are for IRL people.
1. You are exactly like me. and it scares the shit out of me. I wish we could get along. Really. I also think a part of you is a little bit in love with me.
2. You are such an infitely nice guy. I enjoy showing you the dark side of the world.
3. You piss me off immensely, but I'm still sexually attracted to you.
4. I love you like a sister. We are nothing alike, but I'd still do anything for you. you are my dearest, dearest friend.
5. You know you are gay. And you know I know. You are the sweetest fellow, but your obsession with FoxNews and your denial is worrying me. Just tell me bc i can find you a hot boyfriend.
6. You are a slut, and an annoying one at that.
7. I still don't understand you. And your laugh is tim burtonesque- creepy.
8. i suspect your family is part of the kkk. but you are sweet. i don't think anyone knows even a little of what is going on your head, except me.
9. im lucky to know you. you are very sweet and patient with my annoying flaws. BUT, i wish you weren't so conservative and close minded. after its all over, i'll probably forget about you. you are also an annoying flirt.
10. i have a lot of respect for you. it completely shocks me that you are willing to stand our conversations. i hope we can become close friends.
11. you are a really sweet girl. however, i have nothing in common with you and i suspect you feel sorry for me.
12. you are the only person i will really tell everything to. you listen. i'm so glad i know you. i wish you lived here. i love talking to you on the phone.
13. we could be close friends. but, i just dont enjoy being drunk everyday and i have some actual ambition. i also think you have done some shitty + irresponsible things.
14. i have the biggest crush on you, even if you do like metallica.
15. i think we like arguing with each other. everyone else certainly gets a kick out of it. just so you know, im right and you are wrong. :P
16. quit trying to be my friend.
17. you are the coolest girl i know. and a girl i can actually stand. i wish i knew more people like you. you are a gift to the world.
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| love + it not being sexual. |
[14 Aug 2003|11:51pm] |
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alright. let me explain something. i watch a lot of british television shows. a lot. moreover, my mom has called me "ducky" since i was 3. plus, being the WASP that I am, my entire family loves british culture. thus, i use much of british slang. when i say, "hello, love", its a friendly term. this term is completely void of romance or anything sexual. if i want to fuck you, i will say something like, "you are so fuckable, hot stud. got it?
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[14 Aug 2003|10:42pm] |
i feel guilty for being upset. but i am. and i want to get out of it. but im still there. and it just gets worse + worse. ugh. ugh.
UGH.
nothing is worse than realizing you are fucked, but you can't do anything about it.
nothing.
i went to my dad's grave today. i see it. and im just.. its so fucked.
my mom is so controlling she won't even let me straighten my hair
fuck
fuck
fuck
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[14 Aug 2003|09:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Rufus Wainwright- Instant Pleasure |
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i can say this year is going to be different and everything will be fucking wonderful. but it won't. im still going to be the lazy + chubby bitch that i am. my grades will still be B's, instead of A's. I still will feel isolated, lonely, and destined to be the girl who has 8 cats. the best thing i can do is not focus on myself. all this inward shit is what makes teenagers so damned unhappy. well, raving hormones, insecurity and acne don't help much. im also sticking with platonic love this year. im staying away from all this romance. tis not fun. i'm a control freak. Being smitten with someone takes away that control.
Tales of Carlos O' Kelleys
me: hi! how many? blah, blah.
two 30something ladies: 3
me: okay. do you have a---
two 30something ladies: WE WANT TO GET DRUNK
me: okay, smoking then?
me: Hi, guys. How many?
family: 4. her date is coming.
me: okay.
girl: actually they are just teasing. he's my brother.
later.. after seating them...
father: do you guys take food stamps?
*sigh* the glory of food service.
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